Reflections on Life, Purpose, and Change
Blog Delay: Who's Reading Anyway?
Yeah, I was supposed to write this blog two days ago, but honestly, it seems no one is actually reading them. Otherwise, someone might have asked, "Hey lady, where are your thoughts for the week?"
Searching for Myself After the Military…Yes, Years Later Still
I am currently trying to rediscover who I once was, the person I worked so hard to become, even through years of chaos and trauma. Recently, I’ve realized that when you leave the military, people stop caring. Well, maybe not stop caring, but we’re all so disconnected after service it’s, I’m assuming, too much work. There are concern and camaraderie while you’re in, but once you’re out, it all fades. Now, life feels monotonous: wash, rinse, repeat. Being in my mid-40s with a child about to graduate college, another in high school, and one in middle school, my days are repetitive and ordinary. I sometimes feel that this routine isn’t what I was meant for; I was made to help people rise from their lowest moments and encourage them to become the best version of themselves. But today, I’ll be gentle with myself and just make spaghetti for dinner.
Living with Purpose, Even in Small Ways
On a side note, I don’t believe life is endless or consistently glorious. Maybe that’s my pessimistic perspective, but I try to live each day as if it could be my last, and I’m getting better at it. Even though no one calls to check in on me, I still try to make a difference. Today, for example, I spent $100 on groceries and delivered them to someone who wouldn’t have meals this week. Why not help? It’s not like they’ll pawn or sell the rotisserie chicken and Goldfish crackers I bought for their kids. When people genuinely need help, I feel compelled to respond. If I don’t fulfill that purpose, I feel worthless, as if I’m not living out my true calling to serve others.
This is the life. Two master’s degrees, a PMP cert, and talking to the routine HVAC technician about how good I’ve been cleaning my units ALL BY MYSELF! That was the longest and most engaging conversation I’ve had in a long time.
Medication Changes and Everyday Loneliness
This week, my doctor switched my medication again, and I can already feel the subtle shift in my mood and energy. It’s strange how something as small as a pill or shot can change how you experience the world, sometimes making everything feel a little heavier or lighter. While the adjustment period is always tough, I try to remind myself that these changes are a part of healing and moving forward. Even so, the loneliness creeps in, especially during quiet evenings when the kids are busy and the house feels empty.
As I look around my house, I see inside-out balls of socks left by my kids, here a sock, there a sock, everywhere a sock sock! It’s almost like a twist on Old McDonald: "Old McCatherine had a farm, e-i-e-i-o." And I think I talk to my dogs too much.
